Reframe the vision

Hello,
It's taken me days to try and word everything the way and what needs to be said this is no doubt a dark time in my life but it isnt the darkest of times. I've spent a lot of days crying, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of questions that I myself don't have the answers to. Some of you may or may not know a few weeks ago I lost a friend to suicide. Amist of the grieving process the job I had at Disney was only temporary and ended along with the G-Force movie that was showing in theatres. Along with that, there had been some personal issues with finances far beyond my control. With no job, and decisions like; do I pay my phone bill or do I buy groceries, or save for rent? I need my phone to find a job and I need groceries so I wont starve and I need a place to live. I worried about my dogs and wondered if they were happy. All of this thus far and then adding to that the struggle of pleasing friends. I had some friends come visit me from a long way off and anything I tried to do didn't work out; it was both beyond mine and their control. I felt so dried up and wilted. Another friend came to visit and everything I didn't do right before I tried to do for her and that didn't work either. It left me at a loss for words. Lastly, a roommate of mine whom I had known for years it was planned and thought that she would be my roommate. It was so of God, the timing couldnt have been more perfect; and only after three days of living with me she wanted out. "What is wrong with me???" I wanted God to fix whatever it was that was wrong with me and fast! I sorta lost my identity for awhile. I hated myself. There must be something oddly wrong with me that no matter what I do it isn't good enough. I went to interview after interview and all of them seemed to go well but I would never get any call backs.. again I'd question; what is wrong with me? And then, I thought I had landed a job. The guy interviewed us in a group setting and said basically; I'll call you and let you know when you will start. Possibly Thursday or Friday. Immediately I assumed I had gotten the job. I immediately called my sister and said "I got the job!" Her response sent me over the edge. "Are you going to get a second job or go to school?" I hung up on her. I had had it, that was it I couldn't take it anymore. And then there was the puppetry walk with Christ I was experiencing. Now, ofcourse we arent called to be puppets but I was acting like one. "Well maybe if I do this this way, God will see me or love me or maybe if I say this or that or move in this direction he will surely see that I am trying and I will please him. I started going to a much closer church off of Sunset and Park. Related to the Dream Center, the church is called "Angelus Temple" and I LOVE IT. I've been going a ton and getting so much out of it. A few weeks ago, I sat with some friends who had to witness me crying like a big baby. I tend to put on a strong face and pretend like nothing is wrong a lot so when I snap, I really snap. Sammy's death, the people pleasing, me trying to please God, no money for rent, losing friendships in the process of it all it was to much. But God has since spoken to me so loudly it's not to be ignored. FOUNDATION, DON'T QUIT, GLORIFY GOD. Let me explain. In the midst of all of this; God has put it on my heart to start a business, other than the one I already have. Each day I get words of wisdom and ideas that just randomly pop into my head. I often get frustrated because I have nothing to work with to make that vision come true. I sat in the church the other day and the pastor shared a twenty minute sermon on building a foundation. You never want quick success because then you won't have greater success. The greater the foundation, the longer and bigger the success in anything you do. Dont ever quit. If you quit you've already decided that you've lost. and Always ofcourse Glorify God first and foremost. This fit the word God put into my mind earlier that day. "Reframe the vision" HUH???! what does that mean? I meditated it for a long time and I was talking to God aloud on the way back to the bus stop (These people must have thought I was cookoo.) and in my head these words came "Not your will but mine Lord" What??! What am I saying?" And again without even thinking it came out again "Not your will but mine!" Then I realized what it meant. The vision came from God for the business but I had taken it from him and made it my own. Unintentionally I got excited about the idea, grabbed it and ran and made it my own and thought of how great it would be to help people and to be recognized for it; all the while forgetting to Glorify God. I had to reframe God's vision and keep it in His hands and to GLORIFY HIM. Its great to applaud yourself if you work hard and to reward yourself for a job well done... ultimately though he deserves the Glory first and foremost.
Earlier today, I went to try and use my phone and noticed it had no signal. My service was canceled. I had been struggling to get my bill lowered and with no job and little income it became to much. How can I find a job with no phone??? Again I became distressed and frustrated and anxious. After five hours of crying my eyes out... I had to resurface and say "WHO is my GOD?" He supplies all of my needs and he is carrying me through every situation. This is not the end of the world and I have to quit acting like it. Im ashamed that I even acted that way. Everyone needs to cry yes, but it's enough of that from me. :) The God I serve is a good mighty loving God and He knows my every need, every hair on my head and he will not abandon me. He doesn't change with the circumstances I face or Anyone else's for that matter. And as for the pleasing people thing?! I also forgot to mention this earlier. I am not a slave to that anymore, I embrace who I am and take it one step at a time and as a result Im no longer a slave to being so hard on myself either. I am not an orphan I belong in any situation as long as God is with me. I am the child of the most High God who supplies my every need.
With all of that said, I miss Samantha Raines my dear friend she will be missed. If you ever for a split second even think you might want to kill yourself... call someone immediately. Talk to someone asap.

Living is hard....

June 25, 2009. I left my house at five pm to attend a prayer meeting at a local church. This week has been full of tears; I need a breath of air. Not just a breath a fresh one no less. I got the bus just in time to find out that Michael Jackson had passed away- Rest In Peace. Hours earlier it was learned that Farrah Faucett the original 1/3 of Charlie's Angels had passed away after a two and a half year battle with cancer. Shocked, sad and numbed by everything that has gone on this week I am dropped at what I assume is the place to go to the church. Boy, am I ever wrong?!! I was lost! An hour and a half later I finally made it. drained, my hands have blisters on them I walked the bottom of one of my shoes off and my crutches have branded the folds of my arms with rubber burns. This week has not been easy I was on my way to my beloved queen sized bed when I got this revelation.... Life is hard and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and stop trying so damn hard. Sometimes I feel I have to try that much harder to do the norm. It pisses me off to no end. I'm weathered I have been mad, sad, distraught, and in the midst of this I am finding ways to find joy. I am looking at what I have and what I don't have and am learning that I have to slowly learn to live life the best way I can. L.A. is a tough city to get around. I have to in the next few days re-evaluate my life and what it is that I want to do with it how I want to impact others. Life is hard but you know?? I think I'll just fight that much harder to live it. :) Goodnight and God bless~ God rest their souls.

I can't get enough of this thing called food...

I have had two plates of fajitas, (My absolute Favorite*) and a bowl of cereal and yet I'm still hungry? Not to mention, earlier I had a granola yogurt filled bar and an orange. Is it that I'm not getting enough nutrients or is it simply that I am not satisfied with the norm? I have recently decided to do a fast which I started a little over 24 hours ago, I am fasting from my ipod. Sounds silly right? well no, not really not when you hurt and want to shut the pain off with loud music in the ear and as soon as the pain fades you remove the music and continue on with the day, My ipod is my escape, along with flying in airplanes... Since fasting from my ipod I have had painful nightmares and reality has hit me pretty hard with just a lot of deep seeded issues I refused to deal with. Another one of my escapes is shopping. I am angry. I dont know why or what but there must be issues I have to deal with and move on from it so that I can continue to live in VICTORY in which Christ wants me to have and see and feel! Before coming to Los Angeles, I made myself this VICTORY mask. A mask that says I'm happy, joyful praise be to God mask I didnt want to come to LA with a whoa is me attitude and sad and down because of things that seemed to swallow me whole back in CO. I didn't want to bring home here; because then that meant I wouldnt be moving on and living in VICTORY. But then as I started this fast and I started to really listen to what God had to say, I realized in order to really live in Victory, we have to really acknowledge who we are in Christ, and walk it out everyday. It cannot happen overnight, that's what the Walk with Christ is all about. I have to quit having such high expectations of myself that it's ridiculous. I have to get rid of this self hatred, and this idea of who I am (Which is a lie that someone fed to me, and I ate it up whole.) I am twenty six years old now and living on my own like I so badly wanted to do. I need to remember who I am in Christ and be strong and have courage and know that God loves me and that is my prayer to you all as well. You are fearfully and wonderfully made,- Living in Victory is possible, through Christ Jesus but it is a day to day process and also, a choice you must make. I try so hard to envision what I want to be like how I want to be, act, respond, why not me just be me? what's the harm in that?! I choose Christ's way, the path of Righteousness. -------

---Part Two----

The things God has done for me is AMAZING. Sometimes I cant believe I live in this apartment. The time seemed to drag on for months, but now it's like "whoa everything happened so fast"
God's timing is the best timing, I wanted to be here last year and it didn't work out and for a month or two I was devistated and my ego was bruised. I went and renewed my ID today and went sight seeing with a friend and saw so many things. God knew just what I needed today was to chill and relax. My friend JR took me around instead of me going off by myself and he told me a lot of neat stories about L.A. (He's lived here for a long time) I must sleep now, two interviews tomorrow. (I Will get a job!!) God said so! I love you guys, thanks for reading. xo

Boy, does He ever provide!!!!

The trip down to L.A wasn't so pleasant at first. Ofcourse I waited until the last minute to pack everything and at the same time I was getting my hair redyed because let's just say before now.... it was CHERRY red. YIKES. Now its a more calm, nuetral color. Praise God. I felt nauseated all day and I was crying alot my mom and I cried alot.... After getting through the check point at the airport ready to take off, the gentleman (Tyler) was so nice came up to me and explained that we would not be flying out on the 18th, but we would arrive on the 19th. I was a little bit peeved because this is would have been the second time I had flown with this airline and had been delayed. Later, after an hour of waiting Tyler reappeared to let me know that hotel vouchers were going to be given for a night's stay at a hotel and for the inconvenience. This meant that the hotel I had reserved for the night in LA no longer needed to be paid for and I had a free night's stay in a hotel!!! Also, because of the inconvenience we were giving a voucher for our next flight on the airline in which I do not want to mention because I don't want to discredit them. The next thing that God provided me, was my airline tickets I had purchased to begin with for a friend of mine and myself and two dogs, they refunded me all of it but 18.00. This only goes toward my next flight through them. Upon my arrival to the apartment I was exhausted, the dogs did really well on the plane it being the first flight they've ever been on. I had a job interview to be at which I had rescheduled for a later time (I'm sure I got the job) The interview went well and they stated because I had researched the company and it's background that the chances of me getting that job were great. (I will know Thursday, and keep you posted) Faith without works is dead. I still cant believe it I'm here and I kinda wish I was little again with mom and dad together and they provided everything for me. I'm 26 now and it's time to grow up and live VICTORIOUSLY and Strong throug Christ Jesus. I'm pulling on the rope and climbing up day by day. I kinda get a little dizzy thinking of just how much God has done and provided for me in soo many ways and even in this short amount of time I have been here. I love the apartment and I have an amazing circle of friends already :) love and be loved.

A new found energy...

I start my blog by saying God is good. I lOVE JESUS CHRIST with all my heart and soul and am thankful for his inclined ear to me. I talk to God daily, in my thought process and in my believing and hoping for I continually seek His face. Today, I'm in Grand Junction, CO. Tomorrow night I will be in what I love to call home. Los Angeles, CA. Tomorow is the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. Even for the slightest of moments I've not wanted to take my eyes of God. I've been through this before where God had opened doors for me and given me words and when all was right everything fell apart. It took me a long time to recover from that and to understand why that happened. It was my dream so long ago to move to Orlando, FL. It is now beyond me as to why, there is and was nothing there for me like I had once thought. I asked God why? Why did you do that to me? Give me all those words about living on my own, getting a job, and etc... I wouldnt speak to God for almost two months after that. And then, when I decided to listen to Him again he spoke. I got way to prideful, and gave myself the glory and had an "I'll show you" attitude I was trying to prove those that love me the most wrong. And, not to mention... he also told me "He isnt going to take his own Will away. Florida wasn't His will for me to begin with. Which brings me to my next point, Is L.A. his Will? Am I doing the right thing? I am not giving myself any Glory but only to HIM and HIM alone. Well, I not only have an apartment, but I can take my dogs with me on the plane, I have a first floor apartment, And I have two job interviews this week One in which I have pretty much already,the other I am in faith that I will get as well. I've come up for air and this time grabbed hold of God's grace and mercy. I will write more later, I need a shower and to get dressed to go have lunch with a friend. Blessings to all, Love me.

Looking, from the other side...

Lately, I've been unable to sleep, I stay up all hours of the night, contemplating, praying, worshiping, and praising OUR LORD Jesus. I remember watching people at church worship and pray with such conviction and passion and I didn't understand why I myself could not do that. I'd get shy, or I'd think that people would think I was crazy or putting on act for attention. I'd carefully close my eyes and quietly pray to myself all the while pretending I didn't notice them and if they saw me just sitting there praying and not raising my hands in worship or praise I felt guilty. "I am not doing this right, or that right. Jesus will think I don't really LOVE him." I became so jealous of those around me who seemed to have a closer walk with HIM than me. I prayed a lot, almost continually almost to the point where my brain couldn't think anymore. (I still do that to this day) Almost 90% percent of the time I am quiet in my head I am praying. These days in my quest to find more to seek HIM more; I have found my worship and passion as well. Those people that I was so jealous of that worshipped HIM in the services with such compassion and ernst I now do in my room at night when I can't sleep. This has become not just a routine but a thirst. In my time with Him lastnight; I felt like he was showing me how to look into the eyes of my mom. Lately, my mom and I haven't seen eye to eye. We barely sit in the same room and when we do, we fight. It's been a very long time since my mom and I've had a decent relationship to begin with. But even moreso, as the time comes closer for me to leave things get even uglier. It's hurtful and sad; but at the same time, I understand her now. I felt like God physically grabbed my hand and took me back in time when my mom was a child and all the pain and unresolved issues she still has.He told me, I was to pray for her on her behalf to show her VICTORY, and to pray against the enemy. As far as she is concerned, to God she is still an infact in her walk with Him. There are things she needs to be held accountable for but I shouldn't be so hard on her either. I don't know what to do for her, other than to pray. But I also know, I'm enabling her by staying here and not moving on with my life. So I now have more confirmation that I'm to move on and I think that's all the confirmation I need. Part of the reason I also can't sleep at night, is because I'm so scared that God would take something away from me again like He has before. HE Won't take his own 'will' away! A few years back I had thought I might go to Orlando, FL and live I got an apartment, and was on the verge of moving down when everything fell apart. I had gotten nine different words from God about maturing and learning how to drive, getting a job etc I got way to prideful and thought "I did this by myself ha! I will show them! (Them. being my church family who took on the role of my mom when she left.) They, I felt at the time were smothering me and wouldnt let me "fly" I asked God why, Why did you do that to me? Give me that and then take it away? He said because I got to prideful for one I'm always going to need HIM and should always seek him no matter how good or bad things get. And second, God just spoke to me the other night. "I will never take away my own WILL. Now, I will not take my eyes off God, to the point where I wont move unless he says so. :) I decided that when I'm out in LA I want to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity, and I want to get involved in Radio and still pursue business and production. There are so many things I want to accomplish but I have to remember not to stick my eggs in one basket causing them all to break. I know I'll be able to sleep better when I'm settled, in my apartment and have found a steady job. Jesus will be with us all, one footprint at a time. God bless, and thanks for reading. :)

Freedom Time

I have this "mad at the world" look on my face. Beware, the claws might come out at you... but maybe what I'm really mad at is me. I have no idea why I'm angry but it's an unsettled hateful bitter angry. I hate that kind of angry, I hate not knowing why or what happens I have to know full detail of every situation. I want a play by play of any occasion of every day. I'm searching for a release, scribbling down random words my ink pen just died, it will no longer write. It's one thing to have a reason to be angry, to feel a sense of strength from that emotion, to feel powered by it. But this unsettled not knowing why reasoning makes me feel weak, vulnerable, unequipped to handle day to day tasks. I, my friends do not have control. I don't have control of people, their reactions, actions or otherwise; but I do have control of me. I have learned that not everyone is easy to love; not everyone is going to embrace me, and this is when I realize that when I TRULY realize that that is where the freedom lays.

Friendships and Reflection

It's 12:15 am, hardly a time to be awake much less to be drinking an entire pot of coffee all by myself but that is what I find myself doing anyway. I'm restless, hopeful, sad and even more than that a lot more thankful. I'm anxious for the big city; roaming the sidewalks at night the neon lights baring their indentions into my soul. The trick is, not to let it define me. I love the idea of getting lost in a crowd, sitting silently my mind at a complete stop; Silence is my haven. God is my refuge, my only chance at freedom. I have to tell you about a few people in my life I love very dearly, for starters I will tell you about Jonna. My eyes are full of tears right now thinking of this wonderful woman of God. She is my bestfriend; a beautiful soul with so much inner strength she intimidates me. This girl, without a doubt has been through more heartbreak and pain than anyone should ever have to witness and yet she is still standing. She has taught me so much about taking the world at full stride, giving people the benefit of the doubt, she tells me when I am wrong and hears both sides to every story. She will give you the shirt off her back, the last dollar in her wallet; the last meal in her fridge. I know, because she has. We met in Seventh Grade at Texas Lions Camp (TLC) a camp for disabled chilren 7-16 of age, and we have maintained a friendship ever since. Her sense of humor is unlike anyone else's and the thick Texas accent even enhances it that much more. I don't think you quite understand.... Jonna is an original, there is no carbon copy. :) Jonna has always been quick to remind me that we *her and I* are very lucky. I remember feeling sorry for myself once or twice because of my incapabilities I had growing up I was angry at God, why couldn't I be normal? Like everyone else? It wasn't fair, at camp Jonna and I saw and witnessed blind, deaf, people without limbs, and other various things that we were fortunate enough not to have. We have cerebral palsy; a very mild case of it, most severe cases out there some aren't able to speak, walk, or think at all. I used to question God, why would you allow that? I used to wonder why God would allow kids with down syndrom to suffer. Kids with down syndrom are the most happiest people I've ever seen. They have a child like joy inside of them that does not dicipate. It's through those kids with the severe case of CP and down syndrom that I have learned how to have child like joy, child like faith, and to also count my blessings and thank God that I can walk, talk and think for myself. I take full advantage of it as well. :) I have to have the last say, I make a full point to make my own mind up about things and I absolutely cannot sit still for long periods of time it drives me nuts. I have my bestfriend of all times to thank for ALL of that.

The next person I want to thank is my friend Kaci Brown. God has used you as a vessel in my life in a time when I have needed it the most; you've kept me accountable, reminded me to lean on God alone showed me what it truly means to live as Christ would. In all honesty there have been times I wanted to just give up and not follow Christ. My pain became unbearable and I didn't know how or what would make it disappear. I was so angry at God at one point I couldn't see straight derailed my path and didn't care. Awhile back I felt so empty, lost and broken I wanted to fit in so I pretended to follow Christ when really I wasn't following anything. I felt like I was on a "Where's Waldo" poster except it was "Where's Michelle?" I could not find me and I could not breathe. When I went out to LA in January I spent the majority of my time alone which is what I wanted to do in the first place but I felt my screams inside becoming that much louder, "why can't anyone hear me?" I was scared to death. I walked inside the church that day and my spirit broke and I wept through the entire service. There was a gentleman beside me who grabbed my hand and prayed with me. A lady who was worshiping the Lord turned around and grabbed my other hand and prayed as well. I could not stop crying. I HATE HATE HATE crying in public. I'm not a very pretty crier infact it's pretty ugly...haha... but I felt the peace of the Lord over me and I felt refreshed. I rededicated my life to the Lord and it has been an uphill climb ever since. I know God did it, not you. But HE sure used you and Michael as a vessel in my path to get back where I needed to be. It wasn't anything you said it was how you live. The love of God that you have is evident, the way you treat others, the accountability, the passion for Christ, the TRUTH you speak...THANK YOU. :) Moving on to the not so deep stuff, I wanted to let you know that no matter what, I will always support you, love you, pray for you and pray the LORD blesses and bestows favor on you. You have all been a HUGE blessing in my life. And on that note as well I cannot wait for you to meet my friend Jonna. We will all have to go have sushi sometime when we move out to LA in May. Be blessed. I love you all.

Tent Cities

This puts things into perspective... if this doesn't I don't know what possibly could. I'm watching Oprah, which if I'm being honest; I rarely do. There is nothing else on TV and I'm waiting for my show to start when this show in particular catches my attention. Wide eyed and shocked, this is my bitter dose of reality that I've been praying for for so long. This morning I woke up bitchy. Just outright irritated and moody, the slightest thing out of place irritates me. I don't have my coffee, my sushi, the dogs won't stop barking I am just on edge. A lot of you do not know this but I too have lived in a tent. On and off during my highschool years we did not have a home, and most recently I lived in a nineteen foot trailer with my dogs and no where to go. After watching Orah and remembering how blessed I really am; to have a job, a home a bed, clothes, tv and now internet. I am convicted and feeling my pride and diva antics bite me. I find my mood going from Bitchy, to ever so thankful. The house we live in now is old, the floors are unleveled the walls the home is not insulated the dryer is not big enough to dry our clothes as fast as we hope and are used to no... but I do have a job, I do have a roof over my head I have the ones I love most by my side, I am not having to wash my clothes in a river or take a bath in a public sink. I am so, so, so grateful that I can go into the living room and read a book in a warm home and I can brush my teeth and have running water to call my own. Water does not have to be boiled to gain heat; the very fact that I can take a hot shower enlightens me and shows me how grateful I should aspire to be. Sushi is no longer my priority, thankfulness is.

Part of my book.

I'm addicted to my independence, . I crave and thrive for it. At every wakng moment , In my sleep.I'm comforted by the stillness and quiet it brings me. I want to see, feel, taste and acknowledge something different. I self meditate by not living in my own reality. Although, I know it's at a high cost with interest no less. Im thirsty for knowledge, empowerment, creativity, truth I'm afraid of love; Actions and words can discount the emotion within a split second. Joy is constantly obtainable for me with gratefulness of my life here and after. (Another Entry) I had become habitually careless in my own mind, confusion was an everyday apart of me. Apathy was second nature I would never trust myself again. I reached out and touched hollow air My screams inside did not find ears they were mine to keep. No one could fix me. I was my own worst enemy in the flesh there I was living in self animosity.


In a fetal position my spirit remained, oppresion, apathy they are my worst enemies... other than me.