Reframe the vision

Hello,
It's taken me days to try and word everything the way and what needs to be said this is no doubt a dark time in my life but it isnt the darkest of times. I've spent a lot of days crying, a lot of heartbreak, a lot of questions that I myself don't have the answers to. Some of you may or may not know a few weeks ago I lost a friend to suicide. Amist of the grieving process the job I had at Disney was only temporary and ended along with the G-Force movie that was showing in theatres. Along with that, there had been some personal issues with finances far beyond my control. With no job, and decisions like; do I pay my phone bill or do I buy groceries, or save for rent? I need my phone to find a job and I need groceries so I wont starve and I need a place to live. I worried about my dogs and wondered if they were happy. All of this thus far and then adding to that the struggle of pleasing friends. I had some friends come visit me from a long way off and anything I tried to do didn't work out; it was both beyond mine and their control. I felt so dried up and wilted. Another friend came to visit and everything I didn't do right before I tried to do for her and that didn't work either. It left me at a loss for words. Lastly, a roommate of mine whom I had known for years it was planned and thought that she would be my roommate. It was so of God, the timing couldnt have been more perfect; and only after three days of living with me she wanted out. "What is wrong with me???" I wanted God to fix whatever it was that was wrong with me and fast! I sorta lost my identity for awhile. I hated myself. There must be something oddly wrong with me that no matter what I do it isn't good enough. I went to interview after interview and all of them seemed to go well but I would never get any call backs.. again I'd question; what is wrong with me? And then, I thought I had landed a job. The guy interviewed us in a group setting and said basically; I'll call you and let you know when you will start. Possibly Thursday or Friday. Immediately I assumed I had gotten the job. I immediately called my sister and said "I got the job!" Her response sent me over the edge. "Are you going to get a second job or go to school?" I hung up on her. I had had it, that was it I couldn't take it anymore. And then there was the puppetry walk with Christ I was experiencing. Now, ofcourse we arent called to be puppets but I was acting like one. "Well maybe if I do this this way, God will see me or love me or maybe if I say this or that or move in this direction he will surely see that I am trying and I will please him. I started going to a much closer church off of Sunset and Park. Related to the Dream Center, the church is called "Angelus Temple" and I LOVE IT. I've been going a ton and getting so much out of it. A few weeks ago, I sat with some friends who had to witness me crying like a big baby. I tend to put on a strong face and pretend like nothing is wrong a lot so when I snap, I really snap. Sammy's death, the people pleasing, me trying to please God, no money for rent, losing friendships in the process of it all it was to much. But God has since spoken to me so loudly it's not to be ignored. FOUNDATION, DON'T QUIT, GLORIFY GOD. Let me explain. In the midst of all of this; God has put it on my heart to start a business, other than the one I already have. Each day I get words of wisdom and ideas that just randomly pop into my head. I often get frustrated because I have nothing to work with to make that vision come true. I sat in the church the other day and the pastor shared a twenty minute sermon on building a foundation. You never want quick success because then you won't have greater success. The greater the foundation, the longer and bigger the success in anything you do. Dont ever quit. If you quit you've already decided that you've lost. and Always ofcourse Glorify God first and foremost. This fit the word God put into my mind earlier that day. "Reframe the vision" HUH???! what does that mean? I meditated it for a long time and I was talking to God aloud on the way back to the bus stop (These people must have thought I was cookoo.) and in my head these words came "Not your will but mine Lord" What??! What am I saying?" And again without even thinking it came out again "Not your will but mine!" Then I realized what it meant. The vision came from God for the business but I had taken it from him and made it my own. Unintentionally I got excited about the idea, grabbed it and ran and made it my own and thought of how great it would be to help people and to be recognized for it; all the while forgetting to Glorify God. I had to reframe God's vision and keep it in His hands and to GLORIFY HIM. Its great to applaud yourself if you work hard and to reward yourself for a job well done... ultimately though he deserves the Glory first and foremost.
Earlier today, I went to try and use my phone and noticed it had no signal. My service was canceled. I had been struggling to get my bill lowered and with no job and little income it became to much. How can I find a job with no phone??? Again I became distressed and frustrated and anxious. After five hours of crying my eyes out... I had to resurface and say "WHO is my GOD?" He supplies all of my needs and he is carrying me through every situation. This is not the end of the world and I have to quit acting like it. Im ashamed that I even acted that way. Everyone needs to cry yes, but it's enough of that from me. :) The God I serve is a good mighty loving God and He knows my every need, every hair on my head and he will not abandon me. He doesn't change with the circumstances I face or Anyone else's for that matter. And as for the pleasing people thing?! I also forgot to mention this earlier. I am not a slave to that anymore, I embrace who I am and take it one step at a time and as a result Im no longer a slave to being so hard on myself either. I am not an orphan I belong in any situation as long as God is with me. I am the child of the most High God who supplies my every need.
With all of that said, I miss Samantha Raines my dear friend she will be missed. If you ever for a split second even think you might want to kill yourself... call someone immediately. Talk to someone asap.