Looking, from the other side...

Lately, I've been unable to sleep, I stay up all hours of the night, contemplating, praying, worshiping, and praising OUR LORD Jesus. I remember watching people at church worship and pray with such conviction and passion and I didn't understand why I myself could not do that. I'd get shy, or I'd think that people would think I was crazy or putting on act for attention. I'd carefully close my eyes and quietly pray to myself all the while pretending I didn't notice them and if they saw me just sitting there praying and not raising my hands in worship or praise I felt guilty. "I am not doing this right, or that right. Jesus will think I don't really LOVE him." I became so jealous of those around me who seemed to have a closer walk with HIM than me. I prayed a lot, almost continually almost to the point where my brain couldn't think anymore. (I still do that to this day) Almost 90% percent of the time I am quiet in my head I am praying. These days in my quest to find more to seek HIM more; I have found my worship and passion as well. Those people that I was so jealous of that worshipped HIM in the services with such compassion and ernst I now do in my room at night when I can't sleep. This has become not just a routine but a thirst. In my time with Him lastnight; I felt like he was showing me how to look into the eyes of my mom. Lately, my mom and I haven't seen eye to eye. We barely sit in the same room and when we do, we fight. It's been a very long time since my mom and I've had a decent relationship to begin with. But even moreso, as the time comes closer for me to leave things get even uglier. It's hurtful and sad; but at the same time, I understand her now. I felt like God physically grabbed my hand and took me back in time when my mom was a child and all the pain and unresolved issues she still has.He told me, I was to pray for her on her behalf to show her VICTORY, and to pray against the enemy. As far as she is concerned, to God she is still an infact in her walk with Him. There are things she needs to be held accountable for but I shouldn't be so hard on her either. I don't know what to do for her, other than to pray. But I also know, I'm enabling her by staying here and not moving on with my life. So I now have more confirmation that I'm to move on and I think that's all the confirmation I need. Part of the reason I also can't sleep at night, is because I'm so scared that God would take something away from me again like He has before. HE Won't take his own 'will' away! A few years back I had thought I might go to Orlando, FL and live I got an apartment, and was on the verge of moving down when everything fell apart. I had gotten nine different words from God about maturing and learning how to drive, getting a job etc I got way to prideful and thought "I did this by myself ha! I will show them! (Them. being my church family who took on the role of my mom when she left.) They, I felt at the time were smothering me and wouldnt let me "fly" I asked God why, Why did you do that to me? Give me that and then take it away? He said because I got to prideful for one I'm always going to need HIM and should always seek him no matter how good or bad things get. And second, God just spoke to me the other night. "I will never take away my own WILL. Now, I will not take my eyes off God, to the point where I wont move unless he says so. :) I decided that when I'm out in LA I want to volunteer at Habitat for Humanity, and I want to get involved in Radio and still pursue business and production. There are so many things I want to accomplish but I have to remember not to stick my eggs in one basket causing them all to break. I know I'll be able to sleep better when I'm settled, in my apartment and have found a steady job. Jesus will be with us all, one footprint at a time. God bless, and thanks for reading. :)