Friendships and Reflection

It's 12:15 am, hardly a time to be awake much less to be drinking an entire pot of coffee all by myself but that is what I find myself doing anyway. I'm restless, hopeful, sad and even more than that a lot more thankful. I'm anxious for the big city; roaming the sidewalks at night the neon lights baring their indentions into my soul. The trick is, not to let it define me. I love the idea of getting lost in a crowd, sitting silently my mind at a complete stop; Silence is my haven. God is my refuge, my only chance at freedom. I have to tell you about a few people in my life I love very dearly, for starters I will tell you about Jonna. My eyes are full of tears right now thinking of this wonderful woman of God. She is my bestfriend; a beautiful soul with so much inner strength she intimidates me. This girl, without a doubt has been through more heartbreak and pain than anyone should ever have to witness and yet she is still standing. She has taught me so much about taking the world at full stride, giving people the benefit of the doubt, she tells me when I am wrong and hears both sides to every story. She will give you the shirt off her back, the last dollar in her wallet; the last meal in her fridge. I know, because she has. We met in Seventh Grade at Texas Lions Camp (TLC) a camp for disabled chilren 7-16 of age, and we have maintained a friendship ever since. Her sense of humor is unlike anyone else's and the thick Texas accent even enhances it that much more. I don't think you quite understand.... Jonna is an original, there is no carbon copy. :) Jonna has always been quick to remind me that we *her and I* are very lucky. I remember feeling sorry for myself once or twice because of my incapabilities I had growing up I was angry at God, why couldn't I be normal? Like everyone else? It wasn't fair, at camp Jonna and I saw and witnessed blind, deaf, people without limbs, and other various things that we were fortunate enough not to have. We have cerebral palsy; a very mild case of it, most severe cases out there some aren't able to speak, walk, or think at all. I used to question God, why would you allow that? I used to wonder why God would allow kids with down syndrom to suffer. Kids with down syndrom are the most happiest people I've ever seen. They have a child like joy inside of them that does not dicipate. It's through those kids with the severe case of CP and down syndrom that I have learned how to have child like joy, child like faith, and to also count my blessings and thank God that I can walk, talk and think for myself. I take full advantage of it as well. :) I have to have the last say, I make a full point to make my own mind up about things and I absolutely cannot sit still for long periods of time it drives me nuts. I have my bestfriend of all times to thank for ALL of that.

The next person I want to thank is my friend Kaci Brown. God has used you as a vessel in my life in a time when I have needed it the most; you've kept me accountable, reminded me to lean on God alone showed me what it truly means to live as Christ would. In all honesty there have been times I wanted to just give up and not follow Christ. My pain became unbearable and I didn't know how or what would make it disappear. I was so angry at God at one point I couldn't see straight derailed my path and didn't care. Awhile back I felt so empty, lost and broken I wanted to fit in so I pretended to follow Christ when really I wasn't following anything. I felt like I was on a "Where's Waldo" poster except it was "Where's Michelle?" I could not find me and I could not breathe. When I went out to LA in January I spent the majority of my time alone which is what I wanted to do in the first place but I felt my screams inside becoming that much louder, "why can't anyone hear me?" I was scared to death. I walked inside the church that day and my spirit broke and I wept through the entire service. There was a gentleman beside me who grabbed my hand and prayed with me. A lady who was worshiping the Lord turned around and grabbed my other hand and prayed as well. I could not stop crying. I HATE HATE HATE crying in public. I'm not a very pretty crier infact it's pretty ugly...haha... but I felt the peace of the Lord over me and I felt refreshed. I rededicated my life to the Lord and it has been an uphill climb ever since. I know God did it, not you. But HE sure used you and Michael as a vessel in my path to get back where I needed to be. It wasn't anything you said it was how you live. The love of God that you have is evident, the way you treat others, the accountability, the passion for Christ, the TRUTH you speak...THANK YOU. :) Moving on to the not so deep stuff, I wanted to let you know that no matter what, I will always support you, love you, pray for you and pray the LORD blesses and bestows favor on you. You have all been a HUGE blessing in my life. And on that note as well I cannot wait for you to meet my friend Jonna. We will all have to go have sushi sometime when we move out to LA in May. Be blessed. I love you all.

Tent Cities

This puts things into perspective... if this doesn't I don't know what possibly could. I'm watching Oprah, which if I'm being honest; I rarely do. There is nothing else on TV and I'm waiting for my show to start when this show in particular catches my attention. Wide eyed and shocked, this is my bitter dose of reality that I've been praying for for so long. This morning I woke up bitchy. Just outright irritated and moody, the slightest thing out of place irritates me. I don't have my coffee, my sushi, the dogs won't stop barking I am just on edge. A lot of you do not know this but I too have lived in a tent. On and off during my highschool years we did not have a home, and most recently I lived in a nineteen foot trailer with my dogs and no where to go. After watching Orah and remembering how blessed I really am; to have a job, a home a bed, clothes, tv and now internet. I am convicted and feeling my pride and diva antics bite me. I find my mood going from Bitchy, to ever so thankful. The house we live in now is old, the floors are unleveled the walls the home is not insulated the dryer is not big enough to dry our clothes as fast as we hope and are used to no... but I do have a job, I do have a roof over my head I have the ones I love most by my side, I am not having to wash my clothes in a river or take a bath in a public sink. I am so, so, so grateful that I can go into the living room and read a book in a warm home and I can brush my teeth and have running water to call my own. Water does not have to be boiled to gain heat; the very fact that I can take a hot shower enlightens me and shows me how grateful I should aspire to be. Sushi is no longer my priority, thankfulness is.

Part of my book.

I'm addicted to my independence, . I crave and thrive for it. At every wakng moment , In my sleep.I'm comforted by the stillness and quiet it brings me. I want to see, feel, taste and acknowledge something different. I self meditate by not living in my own reality. Although, I know it's at a high cost with interest no less. Im thirsty for knowledge, empowerment, creativity, truth I'm afraid of love; Actions and words can discount the emotion within a split second. Joy is constantly obtainable for me with gratefulness of my life here and after. (Another Entry) I had become habitually careless in my own mind, confusion was an everyday apart of me. Apathy was second nature I would never trust myself again. I reached out and touched hollow air My screams inside did not find ears they were mine to keep. No one could fix me. I was my own worst enemy in the flesh there I was living in self animosity.


In a fetal position my spirit remained, oppresion, apathy they are my worst enemies... other than me.