Living is hard....

June 25, 2009. I left my house at five pm to attend a prayer meeting at a local church. This week has been full of tears; I need a breath of air. Not just a breath a fresh one no less. I got the bus just in time to find out that Michael Jackson had passed away- Rest In Peace. Hours earlier it was learned that Farrah Faucett the original 1/3 of Charlie's Angels had passed away after a two and a half year battle with cancer. Shocked, sad and numbed by everything that has gone on this week I am dropped at what I assume is the place to go to the church. Boy, am I ever wrong?!! I was lost! An hour and a half later I finally made it. drained, my hands have blisters on them I walked the bottom of one of my shoes off and my crutches have branded the folds of my arms with rubber burns. This week has not been easy I was on my way to my beloved queen sized bed when I got this revelation.... Life is hard and sometimes I just want to throw in the towel and stop trying so damn hard. Sometimes I feel I have to try that much harder to do the norm. It pisses me off to no end. I'm weathered I have been mad, sad, distraught, and in the midst of this I am finding ways to find joy. I am looking at what I have and what I don't have and am learning that I have to slowly learn to live life the best way I can. L.A. is a tough city to get around. I have to in the next few days re-evaluate my life and what it is that I want to do with it how I want to impact others. Life is hard but you know?? I think I'll just fight that much harder to live it. :) Goodnight and God bless~ God rest their souls.

I can't get enough of this thing called food...

I have had two plates of fajitas, (My absolute Favorite*) and a bowl of cereal and yet I'm still hungry? Not to mention, earlier I had a granola yogurt filled bar and an orange. Is it that I'm not getting enough nutrients or is it simply that I am not satisfied with the norm? I have recently decided to do a fast which I started a little over 24 hours ago, I am fasting from my ipod. Sounds silly right? well no, not really not when you hurt and want to shut the pain off with loud music in the ear and as soon as the pain fades you remove the music and continue on with the day, My ipod is my escape, along with flying in airplanes... Since fasting from my ipod I have had painful nightmares and reality has hit me pretty hard with just a lot of deep seeded issues I refused to deal with. Another one of my escapes is shopping. I am angry. I dont know why or what but there must be issues I have to deal with and move on from it so that I can continue to live in VICTORY in which Christ wants me to have and see and feel! Before coming to Los Angeles, I made myself this VICTORY mask. A mask that says I'm happy, joyful praise be to God mask I didnt want to come to LA with a whoa is me attitude and sad and down because of things that seemed to swallow me whole back in CO. I didn't want to bring home here; because then that meant I wouldnt be moving on and living in VICTORY. But then as I started this fast and I started to really listen to what God had to say, I realized in order to really live in Victory, we have to really acknowledge who we are in Christ, and walk it out everyday. It cannot happen overnight, that's what the Walk with Christ is all about. I have to quit having such high expectations of myself that it's ridiculous. I have to get rid of this self hatred, and this idea of who I am (Which is a lie that someone fed to me, and I ate it up whole.) I am twenty six years old now and living on my own like I so badly wanted to do. I need to remember who I am in Christ and be strong and have courage and know that God loves me and that is my prayer to you all as well. You are fearfully and wonderfully made,- Living in Victory is possible, through Christ Jesus but it is a day to day process and also, a choice you must make. I try so hard to envision what I want to be like how I want to be, act, respond, why not me just be me? what's the harm in that?! I choose Christ's way, the path of Righteousness. -------

---Part Two----

The things God has done for me is AMAZING. Sometimes I cant believe I live in this apartment. The time seemed to drag on for months, but now it's like "whoa everything happened so fast"
God's timing is the best timing, I wanted to be here last year and it didn't work out and for a month or two I was devistated and my ego was bruised. I went and renewed my ID today and went sight seeing with a friend and saw so many things. God knew just what I needed today was to chill and relax. My friend JR took me around instead of me going off by myself and he told me a lot of neat stories about L.A. (He's lived here for a long time) I must sleep now, two interviews tomorrow. (I Will get a job!!) God said so! I love you guys, thanks for reading. xo